My blog is funny, interesting and touches on all kinds of topics. There’s a surprise in every post. Enjoy!

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Utilitarianism

Humans speak of this often and we marvel at it and it never gets old – change is such a constant. Sounds almost like an oxymoron. How can something be consistently inconsistent?

I am chin deep in graduate school, work, beginning practicum, and saving the world. I go in for my first day at my practicum site tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it. I’m trying to but I’m scared. It wasn’t my first choice and I’ve spent a lot of hours and money getting this certified counselor license through the state, and I still have to take a really expensive test but I AM almost done with that process at least, I just need to write the check. I would have mailed it while in the post office today but I forgot my checkbook.

I worked Sunday night, went to class after work Monday morning, got done at 5pm and took a three hour nap, getting up to get ready for work again Monday night. This morning, Tuesday, I got off took another three hour nap and got up to early so I could drive here – I needed to go to the courthouse for a records request. Now I am here, on a campus computer. Can you tell Sunday through Tuesday is balls to the walls intense? Last quarter it got much easier by Tuesday night, it all slowed down because there was no class or school from Wednesday afternoon to Friday morning. Now I fill all those hours with practicum time and I am nervous. What will I do with myself? What will they have me do? They said there is lots for me to do. Maybe I could read, they said. Part of it is they are all strangers, my field instructor or boss kind of intimidates me and it scares me I’ll never have a time to slow down in the week like before. Even with only three classes instead of four.

So for now I am a little overwhelmed, but, completing all tasks as they arise. Very utilitarian of me. Odd for a social worker…


What have you done to help another? To try to make the world a better place than when you found it? To give back?

And remember this…

“Make sure you dress in rags, have no technological devices, and trash up your house – then you look deserving of any welfare benefits you may need.”

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When everything that can go wrong, does.

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I feel so powerless. This is problematic when going after a Masters in Social Work. How can I do this work if I feel nothing will ever come of it? I am too small, insignificant…so many other competing evil powers over my head.

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Sad News

I went to my psych’s office Thursday for the first appointment after two months. That’s after a few years – first as a high risk, suicidal patient, then later as things changed, I made some things change, got better on newer meds, got more stable over all. I was happy to be there again, because a lot has gone on this first quarter of grad school. I was telling him about that stuff and about a half hour in he says is there anything else I want to talk about because he has something he needs to tell me. I was intrigued so I told him to tell me. And he said he’s been recruited into this new primary care program and won’t be seeing any more patients in the mental health building – he has to get rid of his entire caseload. It was devastating news. He said he was feeling a pretty strong emotional reaction over the whole thing too, but I was the one who started crying. It’s not like I haven’t cried in his office before. Sometimes I’m bawling and freaking out. But this was a just sit there, silent, what-can-I-do-absolutely-nothing kind of cry. And we just sat in silence.

He made one more appointment for me in December. I have to process this somehow. Get to the point of accepting it. I never imagined this would happen. All this time, all this work. All over. I never thought there would come a time I would just be cut off. Once I tried to cut myself off but I was pretty manic at the moment and came back again.

There is this one social worker who helped me before, and he’s asking her if she’ll take me on. He said the other male doctors have really full caseloads and that makes me wonder why they’re taking him away – where will all his patients go?

I only wanted to stop by and mention this. I have to go to class now. At least I have distractions. I have plenty of work to do. But that trickles back into my mind and makes me deflate.


Honor

I am pleased with my progress this first quarter of grad school. I am nearly done with two intense research projects, made a video playing a social worker conducting a clincial interview and made another video for a classmate using me as a client, wrote several short papers on ethics and professional development, gave a presentation on a social policy current event, and have yet to create two large research posters and present on them. That’s what I’m up to my eyeballs in – final research and writing on two large projects. I am ahead of many in my class – today was the day we were to bring in the rought draft of a literature review, or at least what we have so far. I have nearly a finished copy – I need to correct some APA errors, add a few sentences to my discussion and conclusion, and label my sections with headings. It’s beautiful. My grades are beautiful so far. There is also two more quizzes to take, but no real finals to speak of. (Again, big writing/research projects). Definitely over the hump at this point. One down, five to go. Quarters that is. I’ll start taking electives in the spring and summer. I’m registered for winter – three classes instead of four because we start practicum. I’m STILL trying to get a practicum. I’m on my fourth agency, and I interview Thursday.

This is a piece of some of the philospohy I’ve developed when asked why I do what I do:

We are all evil. Humans are evil, individuals. We have the ability to be good, but are inherently evil. It takes work to be good, it’s easy to be bad. I know I am evil, I see it every day. I first noticed it when I was around ten, and it scared the hell out of me. Now I’m used to it. Since then it’s always been there, always kind of festered. Sometimes I indulge it by engaging in what are considered risk taking behaviors – I’ve extensively experimented with drugs, been arrested for the breaking of certain laws, cheated on a test, and hurt people in fights. And lots and lots of other rotten things. Some things I don’t want to mention. I also like watching violence, horror, terror, gore and sick and twisted shit in movies and shows. I find it extremely satisfying – wanton displays of evil, darkness, and any kind of disturbing content. I know the evil is there, and real, and a part of me. It’s a part of all of us. You’re a liar if you deny it. 

To get as far away from evil as you can, you must serve others. There is no higher honor or virtue. To combat the evil, I do this. It can’t be stated any more clearly and simply than that.


Administrative

The process of getting the Winnebago here and registered in George’s name, with updated tags, got done today. I’m surprised we got it all done in one day but I’m glad we did because I want to get other stuff done tomorrow, like get my hair chopped and get more propane. George will be busy with Steven getting the thing running again, charging batteries and whatnot. He’s already put up curtains around the numerous windows. It gets dark at 4 in the afternoon now, there’s not much one can do further, as far as engine work goes. Plus it’s freezing cold. The wind has been really gusting out there. But it’s his, and fully legal too. It cost 150 bucks to get it registered with new tabs, and it won’t be much cheaper next year. But it’s a place he can call home which sounds pathetic but it’s his dream, so don’t judge. And it frees my house up for ME again!

I cleaned extensively after we dealt with George’s new abode. I made a frozen pizza as I got the water running, it takes time to heat. The pizza was awful and I’m never buying a frozen pizza again because I’m always disappointed. I live pretty frugally, I’ve realized. If the water has to pump awhile before it gets warm, well…most people just aren’t used to that. No electricity for heat either. Anyway, I just wanted water with which to clean and normally wouldn’t care, in the summer it’s just cold water, but in the winter it’s too cold to be able to stand it. So I was thinking again about all the time I spend cleaning when I am home – normally I’m at work or school – and wondered if George and others are right when they say I have real OCD – not like when people say it flippantly, like “oh I’m so OCD about this or that or whatever…” but actual clinical OCD, something that can be diagnosed. I always doubted it and if someone accused me of it would totally deny it. Would be like “oh yeah right, I’m not scared of germs.” Because I’m not – I don’t wash my hands excessively or sanitize things excessively or shit like that. I’m into neatness. Everything has its place. I like my floors swept and mopped, I hate it when dishes are in my sink, and it drives me nuts when there’s shit on my coffee table other than the two items I’ve deemed worthy of being on the coffee table full time. And I know when I say “I’m not afraid of germs” that I’m just diverting attention away from how this OCD manifests, if it is real. Which I still don’t think it is. I just think I’m a big neat freak. And maybe George is not, because he can’t keep up with my neatness obsession. So to conclude with that tirade, my house is REALLY clean right now! (But not very warm).

It was a long and wonderful four nights off. I have so much work to do in the next couple weeks but I’ve done all the research I can – now it’s compiling it and writing it, some of which I’ve already done. My backpack is heavy not with books so much as research. I am still fighting for a practicum spot, didn’t get my first three, now I’m trying the fourth. It’s a counseling outfit, and would be admittedly ideal when I want to get licensed in a couple years and need clinical hours. It is totally clinical, so it does have that going for it. I haven’t sent my resume yet. I am so tired of being yanked around in the whole process. I’m still pretty devastated I didn’t get the jail position. I emailed back asking why for my own professional development – really, the email was nice and professional – but all I got back was a “you seem really great, sorry again we didn’t pick you” email, and no actual feedback or criticism or anything. It was weird.

This picture is my greatest fear, and my only fear.
heights


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