My blog is funny, interesting and touches on all kinds of topics. There’s a surprise in every post. Enjoy!


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why don't they riot

That’s just sad, poor abandoned blog.

And here I just started another, but on a topic I think I have a lot more on which to write.

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Humans speak of this often and we marvel at it and it never gets old – change is such a constant. Sounds almost like an oxymoron. How can something be consistently inconsistent?

I am chin deep in graduate school, work, beginning practicum, and saving the world. I go in for my first day at my practicum site tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it. I’m trying to but I’m scared. It wasn’t my first choice and I’ve spent a lot of hours and money getting this certified counselor license through the state, and I still have to take a really expensive test but I AM almost done with that process at least, I just need to write the check. I would have mailed it while in the post office today but I forgot my checkbook.

I worked Sunday night, went to class after work Monday morning, got done at 5pm and took a three hour nap, getting up to get ready for work again Monday night. This morning, Tuesday, I got off took another three hour nap and got up to early so I could drive here – I needed to go to the courthouse for a records request. Now I am here, on a campus computer. Can you tell Sunday through Tuesday is balls to the walls intense? Last quarter it got much easier by Tuesday night, it all slowed down because there was no class or school from Wednesday afternoon to Friday morning. Now I fill all those hours with practicum time and I am nervous. What will I do with myself? What will they have me do? They said there is lots for me to do. Maybe I could read, they said. Part of it is they are all strangers, my field instructor or boss kind of intimidates me and it scares me I’ll never have a time to slow down in the week like before. Even with only three classes instead of four.

So for now I am a little overwhelmed, but, completing all tasks as they arise. Very utilitarian of me. Odd for a social worker…

What have you done to help another? To try to make the world a better place than when you found it? To give back?

And remember this…

“Make sure you dress in rags, have no technological devices, and trash up your house – then you look deserving of any welfare benefits you may need.”

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When everything that can go wrong, does.

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I feel so powerless. This is problematic when going after a Masters in Social Work. How can I do this work if I feel nothing will ever come of it? I am too small, insignificant…so many other competing evil powers over my head.

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Sad News

I went to my psych’s office Thursday for the first appointment after two months. That’s after a few years – first as a high risk, suicidal patient, then later as things changed, I made some things change, got better on newer meds, got more stable over all. I was happy to be there again, because a lot has gone on this first quarter of grad school. I was telling him about that stuff and about a half hour in he says is there anything else I want to talk about because he has something he needs to tell me. I was intrigued so I told him to tell me. And he said he’s been recruited into this new primary care program and won’t be seeing any more patients in the mental health building – he has to get rid of his entire caseload. It was devastating news. He said he was feeling a pretty strong emotional reaction over the whole thing too, but I was the one who started crying. It’s not like I haven’t cried in his office before. Sometimes I’m bawling and freaking out. But this was a just sit there, silent, what-can-I-do-absolutely-nothing kind of cry. And we just sat in silence.

He made one more appointment for me in December. I have to process this somehow. Get to the point of accepting it. I never imagined this would happen. All this time, all this work. All over. I never thought there would come a time I would just be cut off. Once I tried to cut myself off but I was pretty manic at the moment and came back again.

There is this one social worker who helped me before, and he’s asking her if she’ll take me on. He said the other male doctors have really full caseloads and that makes me wonder why they’re taking him away – where will all his patients go?

I only wanted to stop by and mention this. I have to go to class now. At least I have distractions. I have plenty of work to do. But that trickles back into my mind and makes me deflate.


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